An Example of How I Process My Past
I was enjoying my new level of health, allowing me the freedom and empowerment to face work I had committed to. Renovating the garage, taking down office wallpaper, giving Emma (the dog) a haircut, putting up new blinds, and a host of other smaller projects. After several weeks of consistent effort, many mornings starting at 3am, I finally began to slow down. My attitude was solid for much of the time, but the day prior, my enthusiasm disappeared and I was running on fumes, even after a nap.
On this day, I woke up before 4am with more disturbing dreams. This was not a bad thing as they have been the catalyst for my best processing and therefore healing. I had to work a little harder on this one, not remembering any particular dream, only a mild uneasiness which I correlated with my tiredness.
I connected some dots, growing up cheating on schoolwork to avoid putting in effort that felt too much for me. Daydreaming and allowing my mind to wander and draw pictures of things unrelated to my schoolwork. I thought of a time when I was really young, when I attempted to sing a patriotic song to my Besta (grandmother) and I stumbled through all the words, forgetting most of them. This was my performance history; an awkward anxious child who rarely contributed much value, even to the back row of a choir.
I realized, though my mother was a decent cheerleader, my dad was busy financially supporting our family of 7. He was a minister and could not find additional employment adequate to the American standard. In his limited time, he addressed the concerns my mother presented to him about us children. In my young mind, this made him a dark figure hovering over my struggle to perform, instead of a source of encouragement.
I often felt it would be better to not have him around, especially when attempting to complete a challenging task. That morning, I renounced the judgment of it being better without him. I recognized I did not seek a healthier alternative to rejecting him as I felt condemned and rejected. It made sense why I chose the option which reflected that of my perception of my role model.
As I processed this, I noticed many thoughts of what else I needed to do, new plans and ideas to make the garage better. I had to kindly dismiss them, realizing my healing is more urgent than the project completion. It didn’t help that I had two other distractions, in the form of my dear wife and Emma. As I renounced giving up so early on in my life, getting stuck between the laziness and the extensive work that came from pushing off tasks and learning, I paused even the healing to enjoy the blessing of my wife and dog greeting me for the day. This after all, is my greatest assignment, to love my wife and care for my family.
As much as I found significant relief in the processing, bringing the disturbance down from a 7/10 to a 3/10, I recognized the remaining work would not be accomplished by demanding it in the moment. Rather, I would have to retrain my system to live in this new healthy balance between productivity for the future, healing from the past, and soaking in present blessings. What a perfect time to realize this, as my wife was in rare form, dancing and putting on a silly show. I must not let the good get in the way of the best and that is always prioritizing the people in my life. Doesn’t that sound like the most enjoyable avenue? Even over high levels of productivity?
What next…
Try to process for yourself, noticing what comes up, distractions and all. Some distractions are parts of yourself attempting to derail the healing work out of fear of what may come next and need to be kindly dismissed.. Other distractions may be signs you should take note of where you’re leaving off, to pause the work and pay attention to something else. Always share your experiences with others to spread the blessings around.
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